flou-rss:

As a child, I was always happy. I loved my family, I loved adventuring and I loved life. My biggest problem was bedtime.

High school started and everyone began talking about makeup, clothes and being skinny. I wanted to fit in but I never felt good enough.

My best friend and I started exercising….

As a child, I was always happy. I loved my family, I loved adventuring and I loved life. My biggest problem was bedtime.

High school started and everyone began talking about makeup, clothes and being skinny. I wanted to fit in but I never felt good enough.

My best friend and I started exercising. We ate healthy foods and counted calories. At first it was great, but I wanted more.

I bought laxatives, taking one every night. Eventually my body got used to them so I increased the doses. I was up to 14 tablets a day, waking up with the most painful cramps ever. I wanted too die from the pain but when it was over, my tummy was noticeably smaller and I was proud.

I soon became physically exhausted, malnourished and dropping weight. I was depressed thinking i’ll never be skinny enough. I only ate when my parents were around so they wouldn’t suspect anything. Usually this was only dinner. I knew it was wrong but I couldn’t give up. i’d lost control, it was a fight within my mind. I went to a friend, trying to get help but she told me that I was too fat to have an eating disorder.

I was alone. I started selfharming. I barely ate, sometimes fasting for 3 or 4 days. I was slowly killing myself. My periods had stopped, I was always cold and I felt like I would pass out.

Mum became worried, searched my room and found the laxatives and blades. I was taken to an eating disorder clinic where I would be weighed and questioned about my habits. I lost everything. I couldn’t go out, talk to friends or be in a room alone. It felt like hell. The only way out would be to do as I was told. I knew I would come back to this, but I ate to make them happy. It didn’t take long to realise how much better I felt. I had energy, I was happier and school wasn’t so hard. I realised I didn’t want to go back.

It was hard to constantly fight back the bad thoughts but its worth it. It’s so easy for people to see the images of selfharm and mental illnesses and think its normal to have. Websites like ‘proana’ and tumblr promote and encourage young people to have these thoughts, not realising the dangers and the sadness that comes with them. We don’t choose to have these disorders but we can choose to recover.

surmounts:

Tragedy is when I cut my finger; Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.